


Learning Shades of Grey

by givemesumaurgravy



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Character Analysis, Drabble, M/M, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Sexual Identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-31
Updated: 2017-01-31
Packaged: 2018-09-21 01:02:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9524453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givemesumaurgravy/pseuds/givemesumaurgravy
Summary: For Isak, everything had always been black or white.(or over 1,000 words of word vomit analyzing Isak and his identity)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Wow so this is another self-indulgent fic where I ramble on about Isak and is self-identity. This is based on my own head canon meshed with what people have posted on tumblr (so I cannot talk 100% credit for all the ideas). 
> 
> There's not really a plot or anything, it's honestly just word vomit and a character analysis of my baby Isak. 
> 
> Enjoy! (or don't, I honestly don't know if anyone will read this haha)

Learning Shades of Grey

For Isak, everything had always been black or white.

Afterall, that’s why he started dating Sara second term in his first year. If he was dating a girl, then there’s no way he could be gay. It was one or the other. 

Straight or gay. Black or white. 

When the thing with Sara inevitably stopped working out (when he couldn’t keep coming up with excuses _not_ to sleep with her, when the real issue was that he couldn’t get it up for her), he threw all of his efforts into carefully constructing how he presented himself. 

He started listening to rap music, music that made him feel tough and 100% hetero. 

He threw out any clothes that could be seen in any way as ‘feminine’ or not masculine enough and traded them in for snapbacks and flannels. 

He hung up a poster above his bed of a model in a swimsuit as a sign to everyone that _‘hey, look! A hot girl that I totally fantasize about’._ It also was a way to always remind himself of what he _should_ be like. Isak can’t count how many times he’s tried (and failed) to get off on that very picture. 

He even changed the way he _talked._ He started acting more tough and hard with his friends. He cursed more. He talked about girls. He let the guys think he was hooking up with a different girl every weekend. 

And he did _try._ He tried anytime he got the attention of a girl for more than a few minutes. He _tried_ with Emma, tried to get into it, but just...couldn’t. 

So he continued repressing and covering up in hopes that eventually something would just...click and change and he could become like everyone else. 

Because honestly, he couldn’t see a world where being who he was would be okay. It’s black or white. The world where everything is good and he’s accepted is the one where he’s a straight, pussy-loving, hetero male. 

Definitely not the one where he has to watch gay porn on his phone in the late hours of the night to even feel the slightest bit turned on.

Everything changes though when he meets Even.

~*~*~  
The first time Isak saw Even, it scared him, if he’s being perfectly honest. Sure he’d found guys attractive before, hell, he had a huge crush on Jonas all through first year, even sabotaged his relationship with Eva for a shot with him. 

Then there was Chris, but Isak doesn’t like to think about that one all too much.

But, with Even, or at the time _blond Elvis,_ it was so unexpected and powerful that it actually scared him shitless. 

Isak had no idea it was possible to be that intensely attracted to someone at first sight. 

And, honestly, it wasn’t that he was attracted to a boy that was the problem. The problem was the _label_ and the _baggage_ that comes with liking boys. Isak didn’t see himself like the stereotypical gay people that he immediately thought of and he didn’t exactly want to be lumped together with them _(not that there’s anything wrong with being like that, it’s just not him)._

But, even though it terrified Isak to be near Even, he couldn’t He felt drawn to him, and he couldn’t really explain it, but ever since the words ‘ _come outside’_ left those plush, rosy lips in the bathroom, he felt _safe._

Then there was the time at Even’s flat. 

That was the first time Isak started to think that his black and white theory might just be a load of bull. 

Even, on the outside, was this hard, tough third year who listened to Nas and smoked weed. But then he also has a witty artistic side that doesn’t usually mesh with hard rap listeners. 

Then came the time at the Rave pregame. 

Emma was prattling on about loving Eskild because he’s so fun and happy because he’s gay. Even calmly explained to her that that’s an overgeneralization, such as saying all muslims are terrorists. Isak couldn’t help but file that away to contemplate later when he was not six beers deep. 

(So later, after the _almost kiss,_ when Isak was sober-er, he laid in bed and turned over the idea that maybe, just maybe, being gay didn’t mean eyeliner and Kim Kardashian. Maybe he could kiss Even and still be who he is without needing to wave rainbow flags and start wearing tights and, for the love of God, _heels)._

Then there was the pool scene, when the real change happened. 

Isak knows it’s a bit overdramatic and all, but he thinks that was his rebirth and...almost like a fucking _baptism_ into this new life. 

_“Do you think there’s any rules here?”_

It wasn’t so much that Even kissed him, _finally kissed him,_ finally confirming that Isak wasn’t going crazy imagining this _thing, this undeniable spark,_ between them, but it was the that Even said “do you think there’s any rules here?”

Sure, he said it in regards to the ‘holding your breath underwater’ competition, but Isak took it to heart to mean so much more. 

Maybe with them, there weren’t any rules. Maybe there weren’t any boxes or categories for them to fall into. Maybe it could be just _them,_ just Isak and Even. No labels, no baggage. Just two boys falling in love. 

And it was like...every time Isak was with Even, whether it was simply standing by the lockers or cuddled up in his bed, he felt so safe and _comfortably himself_ for the first time that he started to believe that there was no way that this could be wrong. 

Of course would shatter the moment the outside world made itself present again _(cue Eskild knocking on the door to inquire about some shoes in the hall),_ but it was a step in the right direction. 

And Even kept teaching him that there didn’t have to be a _black_ and a _white._ It’s okay to fall somewhere in the middle and that shades of grey do exist. 

Isak just had to look at Even to remember this. Even is the guy who, during one of their first hangouts got stoned to Nas and then a few weeks later is in Isak’s kitchen cooking eggs and lip-syncing to Gabrielle.

Loving Even didn’t have to be black or white. Loving Even could just be loving Even. 

And so Isak slowly learned to accept himself and began to let the people around him in and let them accept him, too. It was actually a lot easier than he thought and they barely even bat an eyelash, which, okay. 

It made Isak think that maybe this was all just in his head. Maybe black and white don’t actually exist and everything is just varying degrees of grey. 

Even Sana teaches him that religion isn’t as ‘my way or the highway’ as he thought. Loving who you love isn’t wrong as long as you’re not treating others with judgment and hatred. Love is everything, everything is love. 

And that’s something Isak can gladly accept with open arms. 

 

**_Alt er love._ **

**Author's Note:**

> hah what? no smut?? that's unheard of in my writing. I know, shame on me. 
> 
> don't worry though, I'm working on some stuff that is good and smut-filled, so stay tuned :)


End file.
